Need help with bad news

I am sharing this story not for sympathy for myself, but I'm looking for advice to help a fellow rider / friend .

I just found out today that two of my co-workers (husband & wife) out of our Buffalo NY branch were in the way back from their trip to Kansas when their bike went off the highway outside of Erie PA and crashed in the median. The wife (passenger) was pronounced dead on site. He only received minor injuries. We have spoken about riding a lot. I want to reach out to and will see him at the wake. What do I say? We all know the risks involved in riding, but I want to offer support and comfort. I am amazed at the brilliance that is in this site and any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. -Steve

First, my condolences to you and your surviving friend. That is terrible - both the loss and any sense of having been responsible.

FWIW, I don't think I'd say anything about motorcycles to the husband at first when you reach out to him about this tragedy. The loss is terrible regardless the mechanism or feelings about blame or guilt. I'd simply express my sincere concern for him, empathy for his loss and offer to be there to talk about anything he wants whenever he feels the need.

About the obvious when it comes up, I'd probably just tell him something like: "you know I ride, and if that is ever a part of what you need to talk about, I'll be there for you on that, too. I'll do my best to be whatever you need in that, without judgment, hoping you find peace in whatever you think is best."

Oh that's awful news, Steve. My condolences to you and your friend. Just as exskibum said......I would just try to be there as a support and let him do the talking. That's just so sad.

Terrible news My condolences.

This is a good article that may be helpful:

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html

Justin said:

Terrible news My condolences.
This is a good article that may be helpful:

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html

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Justin, that is excellent. Thanks for posting it. I have "borrowed" it and have and will share it again.

John

Some of the best conversationalists are the ones that say little and listen with heart felt compassion. A simple expression of condolences followed by a large ear should your friend want to talk. I can sure understand the difficult emotions your friend must be feeling. It's condescending to say, "I know how you must feel" because you can't, so don't go there. Be there, and listen.

Thanks to everyone. This forum is filled with great people and great advice (as long as it's not Friday).

ionbeam said:

Some of the best conversationalists are the ones that say little and listen with heart felt compassion. A simple expression of condolences followed by a large ear should your friend want to talk. I can sure understand the difficult emotions your friend must be feeling. It's condescending to say, "I know how you must feel" because you can't, so don't go there. Be there, and listen.

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Couldn't have said it better myself. There will be absolutely no words that you can say that will make this any easier for him. And, as in the article that Justin posted, in trying to do so sometimes we just say words for the sake of saying words and they come out all wrong. As stated, just let him know you're there for him... just listening to him will be a great gift and this will be something that will take some time to heal from. It won't be done when the wake is over and he will need his friends and family for awhile to grieve and recover.

I'm sorry for his loss... let him know we are thinking of him and sending him healing thoughts/energy/prayers/etc.

Steve my condolences to your friend and you ^^^^ good advice.... thoughts and prayers coming your way.

Sad news, and I'm very sorry to hear it. As for the "what can I say?" question, my answer is "I'm so sorry," in any form that comes to you. It bothers me when people tell me they didn't attend a funeral or write a sympathy card because they didn't know what to say. It's kind of been said here already, some of it in that article, but it's not about you and what you say. It's about letting your friend know you care.

People are uncomfortable mentioning a tragedy like this later on, too. Suppose you don't see this friend for six months or a year. "Oh gosh, should I mention his wife? I don't want to remind him of that awful time" or something. Please believe me that you don't need to worry about that. He's ALREADY thinking about it. Every day. Just a simple human connection and a kind word or two are always welcome.

This is bad news indeed. I have been in the position to consoled more times than I care to remember. As mentioned above just be there.

Sometimes there are no right words. This is my opinion of course but I would be there out of respect only, not as a fellow biker. Motorcycles

may be the last thing this guy wants to be reminded of. Sometime down the road you might reach out to him from a rider level.

Steve, you have already received the best advice possible and put more eloquently than I could hope to say it.

I would like to express my extreme respect for you. The fact that you are kind and considerate enough to be thinking of all the possible issues and that you are trying to do what is right is wonderful. I am happy to see our forum step up with such wonderful and thoughtful advice.

I do not envy you for what you are about to deal with at these services. But I respect and admire you for it.

Hi Steve,

Your compassion for you friend shows in your concern for him. If there is a correct way to handle this awful situation I feel that those previous reply's are as close as you can get to being right. My thoughts are with both you and your mate.

Best regards

Steve

Give him a hug, and be there.

Simply be genuine and true to your friend and to you.

..sometimes, just being there is more than enough.

Some of the most powerful conversations I've ever had have been silent.

What a tragic loss for your friend, he has my deepest sympathies.

Empathy. A simple word really. But it does allow us to understand to some degree what he must be feeling. Like many of you on this forum, I love riding with my wife as pillion. If something like this were to happen to us, I suspect that those who would least understand what I would be feeling, would be my non-riding family and relatives. Those who would understand the most would be my riding friends who understand what it might be like if it were to happen to them. I would want them close. Not much would need to be said. Just their presence would be comforting. At least that is how I would imagine it.

As others have said, just your being available to him for when he wants to unload. Friends are priceless in so many ways. Just be that kind of friend.

My sincerest condolences.

ionbeam said:

Some of the best conversationalists are the ones that say little and listen with heart felt compassion. A simple expression of condolences followed by a large ear should your friend want to talk. I can sure understand the difficult emotions your friend must be feeling. It's condescending to say, "I know how you must feel" because you can't, so don't go there. Be there, and listen.

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A firm hug with a slow pat on the back and as said, have open ears.

In these very sad moments you can't say something..only condolences....

You are so terribly sorry

You are there for him if he needs anything...ANYTHING

Do NOT say "I know how you feel" or "we all accept the risks"

But do touch base with him more than once. Grieving isnt a one day thing. Inviting a guy out for a coffee may make his week.