Profound Words of Wisdom!

Subject:

FW: Daily Hoot





As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn


 

 


*****

 


When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ Desmond Tutu


 

*****

 

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman

 

*****

 

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire, Godammit, I'm a billionaire.

~ Howard Hughes

 

*****

 

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Italian proverb

 

*****

 

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Betsy Salkind

 

*****

 

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Jean Kerr

 

*****

 

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

*****

 

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

 

*****

 

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Prince Philip

 

*****

 

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Emo Philips.

 

*****

 

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Harrison Ford

 

*****

 

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan

 

*****

 

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall

 

*****

 

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Jean Rostand.

 

*****

 

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 

*****

 

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ WH Auden

 

*****

 

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Jonathan Katz

 

*****

 

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

 

*****

 

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

~ Arthur C Clarke

 

*****

 

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin

 

*****

 

Home cooking . . . where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Jimmy Durante

 

*****

 

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ Doug Hamwell

 

*****

 

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ George Roberts

 

*****

 

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Jonathan Winters

 

*****

 

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ Robert Benchley

Those made my day, BD!

Those are great! I love one-liners.

Here's another:

I don't believe in reincarnation, but in another life I did.

~ Anon

Great chuckles.

I'm an atheist. I swear to God!

You get more with a smile and a gun than with a smile alone.

Al Capone

The difference between you and me Woodrow, is I ain't scare't to be lazy.

Ranger Augustis McCrea, Lonesome Dove

beemerdons said:

Subject: FW: Daily Hoot

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

*****

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ Desmond Tutu

*****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ David Letterman

*****

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire, Godammit, I'm a billionaire.

~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Italian proverb

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Betsy Salkind

*****

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Jean Kerr

*****

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

*****

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Prince Philip

*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Harrison Ford

*****

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan

*****

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ WH Auden

*****

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Jonathan Katz

*****

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

*****

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

~ Arthur C Clarke

*****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin

*****

Home cooking . . . where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Jimmy Durante

*****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ Doug Hamwell

*****

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ George Roberts

*****

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Jonathan Winters

*****

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ Robert Benchley

Click to expand...

Awesome...brings a smile to my face. And that's hard to do some days.

Liked this one ...

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move the hell out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change the name for the bathroom from "the John" and renamed it "the Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

#9 wins it!!

Quite a few winners in that one, Steve. Thanks.

(Can't write more now. Have to hit the Jim.)

"How often to you go to the Jim?" "Every day, and I'm always lighter when I leave."