speaking of lawyer's

what's black and tan and white & looks good on a lawyer ??

a rabid dobberman !

lol

Probably a good thing garauld didn't post this joke before asking for help.

Just like bikers and cops it seems, a few bad ones ruin it for all the good ones.

here we go.......

Two lawyers are walking down the street. One sees a very attractive woman, and turns to the other lawyer and says, "Would I ever love to screw her!!" The other lawyer looks at him and says, "Out of what?"

I could recommend a law firm, but I won't.

Wee, Cheetam, and Howe

Reason sharks don't attack lawyers.......

Professional courtesy

Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?

A: To keep their foreskins from crawling up over their chins.

You're locked in a room with a lawyer, Charles Manson and Jeff Dahmer. You have a gun, but only two bullets. What do you do?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

A Irish gravedigger was eating lunch under a tree in his graveyard and liked to read the tombstones to pass the time. He saw a stone that said "John Jones, a lawyer and honest man." The gravedigger paused, scratched his head and said, "Begorrah there must be two men buried in that grave!"

What do you have if you have a lawyer up to his neck in sand ?

Insufficient Sand !

I see, I see..... We have the same lawyers!

Y'all are being a little harsh.

99% of all lawyers give the other 1% a bad reputation.

As someone who has practiced law for over 34 years now, I know too well that the occasional lawyer jokes are well deserved.

One of my favorites:

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new altar and statuary very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought them for the congregation to enjoy as they worship. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm shocked. I am ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

How can you tell if a Lawyer is Well Hung???

When you can't get a finger between the rope and his neck.....

We all seem to hate lawyers until we need one. And have you ever noticed that EVERYBODY owns a lawyer? As in, "I am going to call MY lawyer!"

I am guilty also. Sorry.

Good News and Bad News.

The Good News? A Greyhound Bus carrying a large group of lawyers plunged off a cliff into the ocean and there were no survivors.

The Bad News? There were 4 empty seats.

Two tigers are walking single file on a path in the jungle and they hear an argument taking place in the brush. The second tiger goes to investigate. A few minutes later he catches up to the first tiger and they continue walking. The first tiger is astonished to feel the second tiger lick his butt. He says nothing but is very unhappy. A few steps further and the second tiger licks the first tiger's butt again. The first tiger cannot tolerate this so he demands to know why this just happened. The second tiger apologizes sincerely and explains, "That was two lawyers arguing in the bushes. I ate them both. Now I am licking your butt to get this awful taste out of my mouth."

A man dies and goes to Hell. As Satan is escorting him to his punishment he sees all manner of horrible things and his heart is filled with fear and unhappiness. Suddenly he sees a lawyer kissing and hugging a beautiful, curvaceous woman. Encouraged, he asks Satan why the lawyer gets to spend eternity with that beautiful woman while everyone else is suffering. Satan strikes him with his pitchfork and yells, "Who are you to question that woman's fate?"

I suppose I better stop now. MY lawyer is actually a pretty decent guy and is doing a good job. For now.

Q: What do you call 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!

Lawyers and computers have in common is that their number has been growing steadily since 70-80 years.
Unfortunately unlike computers, lawyers are twice as clever and half cheaper every eighteen months.

news item
An air terrorist hacked a 747 filled with lawyers going to a conference ...
... He threatened to release them if we did not meet his demands

Do you know how we sent down a shaft of a lawyer?
- The cord is cut ...

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Only three. The rest are true stories.