The Dudes Blues Primer

Found this gem on a KLR Forum.

Watching this blues video on YouTube

https://youtu.be/EFsW9QDHa1c

made me remember this.........

THE DUDE'S BLUES PRIMER

1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick

something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the

meanest face in town."

3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.

Then find something that rhymes . .. . sort of: "Got a good woman with

the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face

in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a

ditch-ain't no way out.

5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues

don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues

transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft

an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays

a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. (Well, except maybe Johnny Lang)

Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to

get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace

in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just

clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the

best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any places

that don't get rain.

8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male

pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the

blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9) You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting

is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway; B) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed;

d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) Dillard's; B)

Gallery openings; c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses.

11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you

happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than

dirt; B) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be

satisfied. No, if a) You have all your teeth; B) You were once blind but

now can see; c) The man in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust

fund.

13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger

Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also

got a leg up on the blues.

14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the

Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; B) Whiskey or

bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT

Blues beverages: a) Perrier; B) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.

15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues

death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to

die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a

broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis

match or getting liposuction.

16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; B) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat

River Dumpling

17) Some Blues names for men a) Joe; B) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big

Willie

18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't

sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.);

B) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.);

c) Last name of President (Jefferson,Johnson, Fillmore, etc.);

d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple

Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you can't

sing or play the blues.

After reading that I kind of got the blues. But I can barely play the radio, much less the blues harmonica(s) I own so I still can't play or sing the blues.

Which kinda gives me the blues.

Redfish Hunter said:

After reading that I kind of got the blues. But I can barely play the radio, much less the blues harmonica(s) I own so I still can't play or sing the blues.

Which kinda gives me the blues.

Click to expand...

You obviously didn't take in what you were reading. It's because of your name. Now, if you were Greyfish Hunted (or even Haunted), you might stand a better chance.

This babe breaks most of ^^^^^

I’m in a class. And Dillard’s and Snapple almost made me laugh out loud.

It took awhile, but you broke through with a good one this time.

19 is fine, but you don't need the fruit, just the ailment and the dead president, and one of the first names..

Blind Joe Wilson

Fat Willie Adams

If the ailment takes two words, any last name will work, but early presidents still help.

Broken Knee Philips

Bleeding Gums Murphy

Badly Scarred Washington

Also. Double initials are acceptable if you have no ailment.

As in B.B.King....

Back in the 80's I got to see B.B.King perform. Was in the third row, got to shake his hand and he gave me a guitar pick.

Saw BB in the 80's too....A tiny wizened ancient black guy opened the show-walked up to the mike and ripped off riffs that must have opened Hendrick's eyes.. Loved the brass section too...big fat guys in tuxes...

Under rule 19 a), I guess Old Michael can sing the blues.

And here's another possible exception to John's rules (from the movie "Adventures in Babysitting").

Knifemaker said:

Also. Double initials are acceptable if you have no ailment.As in B.B.King....

Back in the 80's I got to see B.B.King perform. Was in the third row, got to shake his hand and he gave me a guitar pick.

Click to expand...

Way back in college ('82 or '83 I think), we were attending an Intercollegiate Broadcasters Convention in D.C. We were in one of our hotel rooms having a great time, alt-rock music up loud. A knock at the door from a hotel staffer made us aware that B.B. King was in the hotel, was in fact on our floor somewhere and our loud music was a tad too loud for his tastes. One of our members, drunk as shit, slurred out "What if we play da blues? B.B. don't mind if we play da blues!" It was politely recommended to us that whatever music we chose to play, it (and we) needed to be much quieter. Didn't hear any more complaints that evening, so apparently we didn't piss B.B. off any further!

Good one, old man limp kneed Johnnie!

..and I'm so lonley

my dog left me for another woman

...and my truck ran away

....ooooh, i be so lonely today!

Very Good ones all of you. Love that as a big fan of the blues!

This list explains a lot.

Like why my blues are lacking.

Or like why Tom Rushs blues sound like the metronome was cranked up to three times as fast as Muddys.

I was thinking that this was going to be about the undercoat for the paint job for the 2018. (This is a MC forum).