Redfish Hunter
Gone Fishing
I did not forget. I actually had a couple of toasts tonight, I owed a couple of folks some Good Wishes.
"I want you to enjoy your bike."
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majicmaker
Well-known member
I hope youre enjoying all those memories, MC. I have to be honest here, for as far back as I can remember, Ive thought about making a trip across the pond to pay you a visit to sit and chat over a pint. Itll have to be ice cold because room temperature beer is not my cup of tea. :laugh: I think Id enjoy that. I hope all is well and youre still enjoying your bike rides. That trip is still on my bucket list. :yes:
hppants
Well-known member
MCA - I'm glad you are coping, and as you are well aware, dreams are a subconscious manifestation of your inner feelings. it means something, and I'm sure it's a good thing.
If my friend Nate ever decides to act on his wish to visit you, I may just have to join him. I'm willing to try a pint of warm beer, as long as it isn't anything brewed by Coors.....
If my friend Nate ever decides to act on his wish to visit you, I may just have to join him. I'm willing to try a pint of warm beer, as long as it isn't anything brewed by Coors.....
HotRodZilla
GOD BLESS AMERICA
IF this thread or anything you've said in it was causing any of us sore heads, that would make us terrible people. You have made huge strides. I'm sure you don't feel like it, but your tone between now and a year ago is different. It's not that it ever gets "better." It just becomes more normal. It's good to see you feeling better.
mcatrophy
Privileged to ride a 2018 FJR1300AS
For all the psychoanalysts out there, yes, I am coping. Most of the time I am feeling much better than I was. But (there's always a "but") there are some changes in me that are taking a long time to resolve. I can't listen to the music I used to, probably because we would listen to music together. I don't read as much as I used to, partly because I lack concentration and my mind wanders, partly because I would sit reading while she watched something on the TV that I wasn't interested in, so that opportunity is no longer there.
I still have what I refer to as "bad days", though they are less frequent. At least I'm now finding motorcycling therapeutic, riding is becoming enjoyable again.
A near neighbour recently lost his wife, also to cancer. He sometimes asks me to talk to him when we can share what we are going through - which usually ends up with me saying to him that, yes, what he feels I have felt, more-or-less reassuring him that his experiences of grief are not unique. I think it helps him, and it makes me feel a little useful.
There are quite a few on this forum who have had similar losses. I sincerely hope that this thread hasn't distressed them too much, and that maybe it has helped, knowing that they are not alone in their suffering. I'm sure it has helped me.
mcatrophy
Privileged to ride a 2018 FJR1300AS
"Time heals" so it is said.
About two weeks ago, I woke up and felt good. This is the first time for over two years. The lowest period of my life appears to be over, I no longer feel miserable every time I think of her (with the exception of any time I remember the last two days of her life, watching her as it ended. That still hurts).
Yes, I still miss her, I would dearly love to have her back in my life, but my inner self seems to have accepted that she has gone forever.
I am changed in some ways, such as hearing about people dying and funerals I used to find more boring than anything else, now they affect me emotionally, even with a fictional character. More so with females than males. Maybe they remind me of her and her funeral. If time has healed, it has certainly left scars, but ones I can live with.
Once again, my thanks to this forum and its members, who (along with family and friends) have contributed to my sanity (or as near to being sane as I was before). In the near future I shall change my avatar back to reflecting my bike rather than my loss.
Two rides booked, Spain (and Portugal) in a couple of weeks, Scotland (including the Shetland Isles) a few weeks later. I'm sure she would have approved.
About two weeks ago, I woke up and felt good. This is the first time for over two years. The lowest period of my life appears to be over, I no longer feel miserable every time I think of her (with the exception of any time I remember the last two days of her life, watching her as it ended. That still hurts).
Yes, I still miss her, I would dearly love to have her back in my life, but my inner self seems to have accepted that she has gone forever.
I am changed in some ways, such as hearing about people dying and funerals I used to find more boring than anything else, now they affect me emotionally, even with a fictional character. More so with females than males. Maybe they remind me of her and her funeral. If time has healed, it has certainly left scars, but ones I can live with.
Once again, my thanks to this forum and its members, who (along with family and friends) have contributed to my sanity (or as near to being sane as I was before). In the near future I shall change my avatar back to reflecting my bike rather than my loss.
Two rides booked, Spain (and Portugal) in a couple of weeks, Scotland (including the Shetland Isles) a few weeks later. I'm sure she would have approved.
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hppants
Well-known member
Well now - this is sincerely great news!
Redfish Hunter
Gone Fishing
Thank you for the update. I check on this thread every once in a while to see if you post anything new. It's good to know that your motorcycle is still there and you are still using it.
majicmaker
Well-known member
That is a Wonderful update, Mc. Time definitely does heal all wounds in the sense that it hurts less and less and the memories bring smiles instead of sadness. Ive learned that the hard way myself. Im glad your transition has come. Now, go on your trips and enjoy yourself. They will be more enjoyable. Your food will taste better. Youll start enjoying everything you do more. Im happy for you. Happy Trails, My Friend.
bruinFJRguy
Well-known member
Happy to see you are having better days, mcatrophy.
I have followed this thread, too, for the past couple years. I've empathized from afar, but, evidently, have not posted.
To see your tributes and lasting affection for your wife is touching, to put it lightly.
A couple things crossed my mind when readijg the past few posts and pages. The first is how fortunate I am to have a woman that is genuinely good and that I care about and cares for me. I was a serial monogamist, if you will. But I've been with the same one for just over ten years now. It's not always easy, and our longevity is partly by default due to a romp early on where I felt she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and that it would be prudent to have her have my baby. I now have a beautiful 8 year old little girl, and a relationship that has good and bad days. Sometimes it is unclear which type of days outnumber the other, but I'm glad to have her. And it is nice to have her to grow older with. One day one of us will move into the next dimension (hopefully me first, many years from now). And I think the other will look back with a sense of loss similar to yours.
The other thought pertains to your post about Alzheimer's and general medical failings. To be sure, life is sweet. But my grandmother could not string together three words at the end of her life and I'm not sure she knew who I was the last couple times I saw her. My grandfather passed 12 days after her, but he had lost the will to live long before. As much as I value life and know that it is sweet and would miss anyone else who is close to me when one should pass, I hope to miss all of that other late-life unpleasantness myself.
The unfortunate circumstance of this existence is that it is temporary for all of us. That fact has been becoming more and more clear to me lately, due to a number of reasons I won't get into. But, I do believe that the temporariness is what makes our journey here so sweet. And I think I value both my naive sense of immortality when I was young, and my very apparent sense of mortality and imminence of bequeathing the earth to our successors before too long. It is good.
Anyhow, I guess what I'm trying to say is that your posts and watching your experiences through this all has touched me and given me yet more introspection and cause to reflect upon and appreciate my own situation. So, thanks for that.
Also, I'm happy to see your days are getting better and that (hopefully) your reflections are turning to ones of fondness while you continue to enjoy your days, rather than omnipresent sadness.
Honoring our loved ones doesn't necessarily require constant grieving, I don't think. I recall a friend of mine posting pictures on the anniversary of his dad's passing a while ago. The caption read "Dad, since you aren't here, we wore your clothes and drank your expensive scotch." And, sure enough, the pic was of the fam in Dad's clothes while drinking his top-shelf hooch!
A life well-lived is one worth celebrating. And a constant memory of a loved one is best-honored by continuing to have good days. Hopefully I don't need to put these (supposed) truisms into action soon; I don't know how successful I'll be. But I hope your days continue to improve.
Best to you, mcatrophy!
I have followed this thread, too, for the past couple years. I've empathized from afar, but, evidently, have not posted.
To see your tributes and lasting affection for your wife is touching, to put it lightly.
A couple things crossed my mind when readijg the past few posts and pages. The first is how fortunate I am to have a woman that is genuinely good and that I care about and cares for me. I was a serial monogamist, if you will. But I've been with the same one for just over ten years now. It's not always easy, and our longevity is partly by default due to a romp early on where I felt she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and that it would be prudent to have her have my baby. I now have a beautiful 8 year old little girl, and a relationship that has good and bad days. Sometimes it is unclear which type of days outnumber the other, but I'm glad to have her. And it is nice to have her to grow older with. One day one of us will move into the next dimension (hopefully me first, many years from now). And I think the other will look back with a sense of loss similar to yours.
The other thought pertains to your post about Alzheimer's and general medical failings. To be sure, life is sweet. But my grandmother could not string together three words at the end of her life and I'm not sure she knew who I was the last couple times I saw her. My grandfather passed 12 days after her, but he had lost the will to live long before. As much as I value life and know that it is sweet and would miss anyone else who is close to me when one should pass, I hope to miss all of that other late-life unpleasantness myself.
The unfortunate circumstance of this existence is that it is temporary for all of us. That fact has been becoming more and more clear to me lately, due to a number of reasons I won't get into. But, I do believe that the temporariness is what makes our journey here so sweet. And I think I value both my naive sense of immortality when I was young, and my very apparent sense of mortality and imminence of bequeathing the earth to our successors before too long. It is good.
Anyhow, I guess what I'm trying to say is that your posts and watching your experiences through this all has touched me and given me yet more introspection and cause to reflect upon and appreciate my own situation. So, thanks for that.
Also, I'm happy to see your days are getting better and that (hopefully) your reflections are turning to ones of fondness while you continue to enjoy your days, rather than omnipresent sadness.
Honoring our loved ones doesn't necessarily require constant grieving, I don't think. I recall a friend of mine posting pictures on the anniversary of his dad's passing a while ago. The caption read "Dad, since you aren't here, we wore your clothes and drank your expensive scotch." And, sure enough, the pic was of the fam in Dad's clothes while drinking his top-shelf hooch!
A life well-lived is one worth celebrating. And a constant memory of a loved one is best-honored by continuing to have good days. Hopefully I don't need to put these (supposed) truisms into action soon; I don't know how successful I'll be. But I hope your days continue to improve.
Best to you, mcatrophy!
Uncle Hud
Just another blob of protoplasm using up your oxyg
Time DOES heal, brother. It doesn't heal the point where the injury is invisible, or the body part is "good as new". You really wouldn't want that; true?
Portugal? You had better post up with photos of the Algarve, or I'll book a seat on the first 737 Max B to Heathrow and kick your bad ankle.
Portugal? You had better post up with photos of the Algarve, or I'll book a seat on the first 737 Max B to Heathrow and kick your bad ankle.
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mcatrophy
Privileged to ride a 2018 FJR1300AS
Thanks for all your thoughts.
. (That's if you use a Max 8 and it ever survives beyond takeoff.)
Uncle, the bad news is we won't be going to the southern area of Portugal. The good news is that my bad ankle has nerve damage, I can't feel much there
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Uncle Hud
Just another blob of protoplasm using up your oxyg
^^^^^ +1 (because I'm out of likes for today)
BkerChuck
Second hand vegetarian
I just came across this most recent update and you can count me among the people pleased to see your ....progress?
I've recently come across an analogy where grief was compared to a ball inside of a moving box with the box having a push button switch on one wall and every time the ball rolled into the switch it triggered pain. In the beginning of our grief the ball is huge, practically filling the box and every move would trigger the switch with our pain being almost constant. As time moves on the box and the switch stay the same while the ball gradually shrinks.The ball still hits the button sometimes triggering our grief but in time it happens less and less until it's only on rare occasions where it triggers.
I'm glad you're finding the ball in your box has shrunk. This thread has been one of the hardest to read yet one of the one's I've gotten the most out of. Mc, you're one of the forum people i wold love to meet someday but should that never happen I feel the loss will be mine.
Best of luck sir in all that you do.
I've recently come across an analogy where grief was compared to a ball inside of a moving box with the box having a push button switch on one wall and every time the ball rolled into the switch it triggered pain. In the beginning of our grief the ball is huge, practically filling the box and every move would trigger the switch with our pain being almost constant. As time moves on the box and the switch stay the same while the ball gradually shrinks.The ball still hits the button sometimes triggering our grief but in time it happens less and less until it's only on rare occasions where it triggers.
I'm glad you're finding the ball in your box has shrunk. This thread has been one of the hardest to read yet one of the one's I've gotten the most out of. Mc, you're one of the forum people i wold love to meet someday but should that never happen I feel the loss will be mine.
Best of luck sir in all that you do.
mcatrophy
Privileged to ride a 2018 FJR1300AS
Interesting analogy.
I'd say there have been a couple of step changes in its size, with a gradual reduction between steps. The first step maybe 6 months after her passing, the 2nd a couple of weeks before my post #307 above - I waited before posting in case the ball got bigger again!
It is still there, though, and triggers do happen, though the effects are much milder and more controllable than they were.
Looking back, I do feel something of a wimp after one or two quite extreme and uncontrollable outbursts of emotion. However that hasn't happened for quite a while. Emotions are still there, but I think unlikely to embarrass me again.
BkerChuck
Second hand vegetarian
A wimp? I REFUSE to allow that label to be applied to you even by self imposition! The very act of composing this thread and continuing to update it took a magnitude of strength I doubt many of us could have mustered under the same circumstances. We've never met yet I feel no shame in stating right here in public that many of your postings here moved me to tears. I'm sure there are more than few grown men on this board who "got something in their eyes" while reading and trying to compose their responses.
You were truly one of the blessed ones with the love you got to share with your wife. Treasure those memories always.
Your friend you just haven't met yet.
You were truly one of the blessed ones with the love you got to share with your wife. Treasure those memories always.
Your friend you just haven't met yet.
BluenoseFJR
Active member
I have to agree wholeheartedly with this. I first came across this thread shortly after it started as we were approaching the third anniversary of our daughter's passing. My heart certainly went out to you. My wife and I have had quite a struggle coping with it while trying to hold things together for our two sons, and it is on going to this day, now just after five years. While time helps, I can't say it has healed. With the right triggers the wound is very fresh, but it is getting easier to look back and smile at the happy memories without being overwhelmed by the sad. Anyway, anyone who would say you are a wimp for loving and missing your wife is quite heartless. Your ongoing story has displayed strength and character, and I hope it might bring you some comfort or benefit knowing that by sharing it you gave me a little help from across the ocean in making it through some of my bad days. Thank you!
rogdeb
Scouser
Thanks for the update MC. Good to know your coping mechanisms are working.
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