What would you do?

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Geezer

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My heart goes out to you and your family. This sort of thing makes me realize that my own family troubles are insignifivcant in comparison. One thing to keep in mind is that your children are both very different and should not be compared or expected to immitate each other. My three girls, despite have the same genetic materials and the same environment and parenting, are each individuals and very different from each other.

I am not a professional or expert source but I did spend a few years on the Board of Ed. and attended a bunch of seminars about why kids behave the way they do. For the most part, cutting themselves and other self destructive behavior is not an attempt at suicide, rather, it is a call for attention. I can't even guess who's attention she is seeking and it may not be your's, but all you can do is make sure she knows that you love her no matter what and you will be there to help her when she is ready to ask for help.

 

donaldb

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Man Radman that's tough stuff! all I could possibly do is say a prayer for her, know that doesn't seem like much but maybe it will help in some way--hope so! I have no kids, but my niece was headed down that same path, got mixed up w/some people she shouldn't have and things were not looking good for several years. Nothing we did would help, she just kept getting deeper and deeper. She was then involved in a very serious car accident, dang near killed her, she has undergone several back surgeries and will have significant problems for the rest of her life, but somehow, someway that event had a profound immediate effect on her. She turned completely around, has a good and stable job now and a good boyfriend and is trying to make herself into someone. Who knows what will happen and what it will take, hopefully for you and your daughter it wont be what my niece went through, good luck, prayer sent!

 

Bounce

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Appreciate all the responses. Some clarification is in order however. I am familiar with the system to a degree-I'm a drunk, charter member of AA and all that, so I understand the hitting bottom and so forth. But this young lady has surpassed my bottom to the n'th degree. I never got to the point where the mere suggestion of living even a little bit whithin societys limits threw me into a rage or a funk so deep I mutilated myself (this was what really shocked me, she has 12-14 4" long scars on her left arm from self inflicted knife wounds that she wears like some goddam badge of honor). Intervention is out of the question, I would honestly fear for the lives of all involved, much less hope for any shot at actually changing her mind about what is happening or what the future might hold. I have seen some pretty hard cases in AA, yet my own daughter is the hardest case of all. I'm just afraid what her "bottom" might turn out to be. :sad2:
Sounds like some state's requirements for "involuntary institutionalization" may be present: presenting a risk of harm to themselves or others.

If she's self-mutilating and has physically assaulted your (ex?)wife, then seems that could be a path to research.

 

mbottoms

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Radman, it scares me to hear shit like that.

I have a 13 yr and 3 yr old daughter and I fight like hell every day to keep them away form the dark side.

It is painful to want to help and help not be accepted.

I have to agree with most of the above post and say you have done all you can.

Continue to communicate to your daughter that you are there for her when she is ready to make the decision to straighten her life out.

But you must under no circumstances jepordize what you have worked so hard in building with your current wife.

I will pray for you and your daughter.

Mark

 

galxy5

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radman,

I know Bill and all his friends too,, you know that not everyones bottom is the same ,, I was a functional addict for many dark years,,

all the programs in the world will never bring her out of this spiral until she deals with the real issues of pain inside her head and soul,, as you know addiction is a symptom of what is realy wrong,, shattered dreams of a life less fulfilled,, selfblame for her parents split,, not fitting in with her school mates,, some type of post traumatic stress ,,

self discovery is such a hard road to walk,,

you my friend have one of the hardest rolls in this ,, because you can only stand and wait to catch her when she falls ,, try not to assign blame or guilt on yourself because you want to protect your family ,, we all make choices ,, as attractive as intervention is and it works for some there are those that rebel against any type of help ,, hopefully you will find a course of action that will bring you some peace ,,

god speed bro

 

yanktar

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I just wanted to sound out a larger group than I have access to otherwise, and one that is relatively mature, seasoned and understanding (thats the nicest thing I'll ever say about this bunch, don't hold your collective breath expecting more
Now don't start goin' all mushy on us, R'Man! :blink:

(J/K, man--what you're going through is no laughing matter.)

 

BigAl

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Wow. Reading all this brought back memories of my dad. He was an alcoholic. Never abusive, just drank a lot. All the time. My mom apparently tried for years to get him to stop. Eventually she told him to choose, and he chose drinking. Not that he didn't go through the motions of recovery. For him, it was always just a short term fix, and soon he was back at it. I did the groups, and therapy to help me try to understand what all went on. We did an intervention, and I got all of the advice along the lines of having to let him hit bottom, etc. Really tough for a 16-18 year old kid to realize all of this and find himself in the position of having to try to help his dad, who was always someone he had looked up to and respected. It was all so confusing because he was such a high functioning drunk, and my relationship with him (and what I saw of his relationship with my mother and sister) seemed fine up until he moved out.

He eventaully moved from St. Louis, to San Diego, under the guise of trying to start his own business. I was home from school for winter break, and talked to him on the phoe one night. I could tell he was in bad shape. We knew he had quit taking his blood pressure medicine, because all of his money went to vodka. I knew he was in real trouble. We talked for a very long time, and, I know this sounds silly, but he professed to me what I beleived to be a hearfelt desire to clean up. He was on a list to get into the VA hospital.

My mother was a school principal, and they had put on a holiday benefit at her school. She had brought the money home- about $1500, and I seriously considered stealing the money and her car and driving to San Diego with the hope of at least getting him to a hospital. I knew I could repay the money, and any other consequenses seemed minor compared to the prosepct of losing him. For some reason, I stayed up all night by myself, dressed, packed, with keys in my hand, but talked myself out of it. 2 days later, 2 days before Christmas at 19 years old, I got a call from the SDPD, who had found him dead. He literally drank until his body chemisry was so screwed up that his heart stopped. He died naked on the floor of some fleabag motel, alone.

I have a couple of things from this experience that I will always carry with me-beyond the sense of loss and hurt that anyone would feel losing their father so needlessly. First, a couple of weeks before that conversation, I had made a point to call both of my parents to thank them both for who I was and what I had become. I had a year and a half of college under my belt, and I had seen some kids come to school and literally self destruct, either from the pressure of school, or from issues at home, or just from the fact that they had been turned loose on their own for the first time, and did not know how to take care of themselves. Despite my dad's drinking, I turned out pretty good, and I at least got to tell my dad that I was so very appreciative of what he and my mom had given me. While I didn't think about it at the time, in some way that was probably me saying goodbye.

Second, I will never get over the fact that I had the last chance to possibly save him, and I pussed out. I know all the programs and experts would say that is not true, that he had the chance to save himself, that even if I had gone, chances are he would just have fallen back. But the reality is that at least he would have had one more chance. He was my dad, and no matter what else, I feel I owed him that if it was in any way within my power. I'm 35 now, and that still haunts me. Luckily for me, that manifests itself I believe in that I cherish everything and everyone in my life so much that I would never let something like that happen to me.

Obviously you are in a much different situation, and I would never ever think to try to give someone advice on what to do in any such situation as there are just so many variables. My problem was probably that I never got to the point where I felt I had done everything I could, and so there is guilt. Luckily, I guess, I had/have my head on straight enough that I use that to make sure that I will never do anything similar, nor will I ever allow anyone I love to start down that path without making sure that I have lifted heaven and earth to stop it. Whatever path you choose, just be sure to try to find peace with yourself with the actions you do or do not take.

 

BobbyBlue

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Hey Rad, I have one going this way myself...feel like such a friggin bystander. Stay compassionate, some folks change, some dont. Either way, its not your or my fault, enough people will try to fix the blame, we must keep trying to fix our problems. Thank you for sharing with us brother, Sometimes just airing it out helps alot. Take care of what ya can, Much love and blessings on ya.

Bobby

 

BBIII

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Radman,

When I read your first post I was intrigued. After I read the responses I was amazed at the support group that you/we have right here. I suggest you read a new book called "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey. It helps to explain where the addicted person is coming from. He uses curse words throughout the book, but it is still a very insightful read. My wife read it and stopped drinking after 20 years, I'm essentially on the same track, but I have days when "the fury" wins out. PM me and I will send you the book if you want it.

Happy Thanksgiving,

BB III

 
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daytripper

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Radman....Unfortunately I have know words of wisdom for you. But I think I can say your problem is not due to bad parenting and your post tells us you are caring father that wants the best for his kids. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

 

radman

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Some good stuff here. Al, your story isn't all that unusual, unfortunately :sad2: Thanks guys, I appreciate the thoughts. ;)

 

painman

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Radman, sorry to hear your daughter's story and the road she has traveled. I was a tried and true drug user until age 40. I am now 51 and have been totally clean for 11 years. I tried every program I could think of and none worked. I'll be straight up with you as what worked for "me". I gave my life to Christ and my conversion was instant. This is not always the case for everyone. If at age 40 someone would have told me within one year I would be a born-again Christian I would have told them where to go and how to get there. I didn't need anyone to tell "me" what I needed. My family did try to "intervene" but I was too slick for them and that didn't happen. Anyway, to make a long story short, the only thing that got me to where I really needed to be was a praying mother. Simple and pure. God was working on me the whole time and I didn't even know it. It hasen't been easy since my conversion but I wouldn't trade it for anything in this whole wretched world. I am not talking about "religion" because that doesn't work either, but a real relationship with Jesus Christ. Like I said, I'm not trying to shove this down anyone's throat. But that I had tried everything and the only thing that worked was Jesus. For the last 5 years I have been ministering to many bikers, homeless and in general those who are lost and in need through our bike ministry and have seen many lives brought back to reality. Hope this might have helped and I will be praying for your daughter and your whole family. Hang in there and just be there for her. God bless. Sincerely, Del "Painman" Price. <><

 

professor

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Radman-- can't get your letter out of my mind. Trying to think of what I'd do if I was in your situation. I to have two daughters, both grown, and am thankful they are both fine people. We all wish we had a magic wand that we could wave and fix this mess. Kids are like putty, they are molded by whoever has the biggest influence. You've got to know she hates herself for turning out the way she is more than anyone else. Write her a letter (hand deliver it if you have too). Tell her your sorry you weren't around when she needed you the most. Let her know that its your and her moms fault that you couldn't get along and ended up getting a divorce. Let her know that if she can find it in her heart to forgive you, you promise to do everything you can to help her get her life straightened out.

I wish I was a smarter person, good luck MIKE

 
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