HOME MADE CHILI
I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in hindsight may not have been very wise. You see, the previous evening, I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented “You’re Definitely Going To Crap Yourself’ chili. Tasty stuff, albeit Hot, to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me, that if you eat it, the next day, both of your Butt Cheeks WILL fall off.
Here’s the thing, I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee, (You all know what I mean), nothing ever did happen. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2’. Despite Habanera Peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as ‘Thunder and Lightning’!
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the ‘Wal-Mart’ grocery store for some tasty Breakfast and Lunch tidbits.
Upon entering the store, at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it up and down the aisles, dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the Restrooms, that the pain hit me.
Oh, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh Oh, Gotta Go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different. The ‘Habaneras’ in the Chili from the night before, were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for ‘Freedom’, they ‘Bullied’ their way through my intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms, which would bring sweet relief, it happened. Those peppers fired a ‘Warning Shot’. There I stood, alone in the ‘Spice and Baking’ aisle, suddenly enveloped in a ‘Noxious Cloud’ the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move, for fear that more of this ‘Vile Odor’ might escape me. Slowly, Oh So Slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an Elderly Woman turned into it.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the ‘Invisible, but Odorous Cloud’ that refused to dissipate, as she walked, unsuspecting, into it.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could’ve warned that poor woman, but didn’t. I simply stood there and watched, as she walked into an ‘Invisible’ and apparently ‘Indestructible’, wall of odor so terrible, that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off ‘Angry Bees’!
This of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. MISTAKE… Here’s the thing, when you laugh, it’s very hard to keep things ‘Clamped Down’, if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw, an explosive issue burst forth from my ‘Nether Region’… Some were so loud and echoing, that I was later told that a few folks in other aisles had Ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a Shotgun.
Suddenly, things were no longer funny. ‘IT’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the ‘Grand Mal Assplosion’ took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time, I got to the ‘John’, began the inevitable ‘Why Did I Eat That’? floating above the toilet seat, because my ass is burning ‘SO BAD’, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘SHOCK AND AWE’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly sid, ‘SonOfAb- - -h!’ then quickly left.
Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart, intending to carry on with shopping, when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, we’re asking all shoppers to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some Prankster’, set off a ‘Stink Bomb’ in the store. The Manager is going to run the Vent Fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.”
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT’S YOU!!” Then ran off, returning a few moments later with the manager.
I was ‘Unceremoniously’ escorted from the premises and asked ‘None Too Kindly’, not to return.
Home again, without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat, but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day, I went to shop at ‘Kroger’s’. I can’t say anymore about that, because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they’re going to have to ‘Repaint’ the store!!
I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in hindsight may not have been very wise. You see, the previous evening, I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented “You’re Definitely Going To Crap Yourself’ chili. Tasty stuff, albeit Hot, to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me, that if you eat it, the next day, both of your Butt Cheeks WILL fall off.
Here’s the thing, I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee, (You all know what I mean), nothing ever did happen. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2’. Despite Habanera Peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as ‘Thunder and Lightning’!
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the ‘Wal-Mart’ grocery store for some tasty Breakfast and Lunch tidbits.
Upon entering the store, at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it up and down the aisles, dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the Restrooms, that the pain hit me.
Oh, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh Oh, Gotta Go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different. The ‘Habaneras’ in the Chili from the night before, were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for ‘Freedom’, they ‘Bullied’ their way through my intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms, which would bring sweet relief, it happened. Those peppers fired a ‘Warning Shot’. There I stood, alone in the ‘Spice and Baking’ aisle, suddenly enveloped in a ‘Noxious Cloud’ the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move, for fear that more of this ‘Vile Odor’ might escape me. Slowly, Oh So Slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an Elderly Woman turned into it.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the ‘Invisible, but Odorous Cloud’ that refused to dissipate, as she walked, unsuspecting, into it.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could’ve warned that poor woman, but didn’t. I simply stood there and watched, as she walked into an ‘Invisible’ and apparently ‘Indestructible’, wall of odor so terrible, that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off ‘Angry Bees’!
This of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. MISTAKE… Here’s the thing, when you laugh, it’s very hard to keep things ‘Clamped Down’, if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw, an explosive issue burst forth from my ‘Nether Region’… Some were so loud and echoing, that I was later told that a few folks in other aisles had Ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a Shotgun.
Suddenly, things were no longer funny. ‘IT’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the ‘Grand Mal Assplosion’ took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time, I got to the ‘John’, began the inevitable ‘Why Did I Eat That’? floating above the toilet seat, because my ass is burning ‘SO BAD’, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘SHOCK AND AWE’. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly sid, ‘SonOfAb- - -h!’ then quickly left.
Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart, intending to carry on with shopping, when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, we’re asking all shoppers to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some Prankster’, set off a ‘Stink Bomb’ in the store. The Manager is going to run the Vent Fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.”
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT’S YOU!!” Then ran off, returning a few moments later with the manager.
I was ‘Unceremoniously’ escorted from the premises and asked ‘None Too Kindly’, not to return.
Home again, without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat, but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day, I went to shop at ‘Kroger’s’. I can’t say anymore about that, because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they’re going to have to ‘Repaint’ the store!!
)
