"I want you to enjoy your bike."

[Uncle Hud]

Sympathies again, sir. Didn't I see that you'll be riding in Scotland soon? Enjoy your bike!

 

[mcatrophy]

As I mentioned above, a road trip was planned, it was in Scotland. It went very well, I've written it up here for your delectation.

Although there was nothing wrong with the trip, quite the contrary, I can't say I enjoyed it as much as I should have. Whenever I've been away we've always kept in touch, obviously not on this trip. There was always this hole in my mind. It also meant that a lot of the time I was letting my mind wander away from the sights and experiences of the ride, luckily never from my concentration on the riding itself, I never felt I was being unsafe.

At one of our evening meals, I did start gently sobbing, triggered by the first taste of some delicious venison, not a meat that she would normally cook, just a great taste comparable with meals that she would produce. My companions were at first concerned for me, but having intimated that I was really ok, they carried on their conversation, much better than fussing over me and commiserating at the dinner table, which enabled me to get over it. That was the only time on the trip I overtly grieved, though I came close to it a few times.

Coming home, it was to what is now the usual empty house. I'm getting more used to this now, but I still don't like it. Doing my laundry is another trigger for me. It's not that there's any problem, and, in any case, for the last year or so she has been unwell and needed my help, varying from just going upstairs to get the dirty clothes down through to doing everything. But, however bad she felt, up to her last few weeks she was always in charge, and always doing as much as she could. Now there's nobody in charge.

It's not yet five months, still early days in the process.

Would I go on another trip? Yes, no way would I not. At the moment, it's Spain next year. Coincidentally, our outbound ferry is booked for the anniversary of her death, hope that doesn't affect me (I once forgot our wedding anniversary, I'm not very good with dates of birthdays and such, so I should be all right).

When I read this back, it all sounds a bit selfish. I'm not the only one affected, but I am the closest. I know both my children are still very upset (son was on this last Scottish trip), daughter has come round several times since. Daughter and I did have a bit of a heart-to-heart, and one thing she said to me was that her mother had told her that from the day she married me, she has never had the slightest doubt that she'd done the right thing. That led to both of us reaching for the tissues. However, I was very pleased to hear it, wifey would never speak of her feelings for me, but then her actions probably spoke louder than any words.

 

[Uncle Hud]

mcatrophy posted: <snip, snip, snip> Coming home, it was to what is now the usual empty house. I'm getting more used to this now, but I still don't like it.
Now there's nobody in charge.

It's not yet five months, still early days in the process.

(1) Yes, the house is empty. That, I suppose, is the worst part of it all. Moving to a new home isn't possible? That helped me, as the the old place was "ours" and the new place was "mine".

(2) YOU are in charge.

(3) Expect at least a year, perhaps two. During that period, hang out with friends just like those you described: "... having intimated that I was really ok, they carried on their conversation ..." Those friends are content to give you the space and time you need to cope.

Your ride report left me envious.

 

[mcatrophy]

...(1) Yes, the house is empty. That, I suppose, is the worst part of it all. Moving to a new home isn't possible? That helped me, as the the old place was "ours" and the new place was "mine".

(2) YOU are in charge.

(3) Expect at least a year, perhaps two. During that period, hang out with friends just like those you described: "... having intimated that I was really ok, they carried on their conversation ..." Those friends are content to give you the space and time you need to cope.

Your ride report left me envious.

Thanks for your comments.
I'm most unlikely to move house for all sorts of reasons, not the least because it has been "our" home for the past 19 years, longer than any previous house. I wouldn't want to lose all the memories. Also, I like it here, it's a nice house in a nice location, we were very fortunate to find it (actually, typically, she found it).

As for being "in charge", she always wore the trousers (don't know if that idiom works in th US, means she was the boss), and that suited both of us. Yes, I can now do whatever I want whenever I want, but it isn't right for me yet. I'm sure it will come.

Scotland has always been something approaching motorcycling heaven for those I ride with, but it isn't for everyone. You have to like the type of roads, be prepared to be patient on them (there can be traffic that's difficult to pass), and (probably most importantly) be happy to ride in any weather, which ranges from hot (by UK standards) and dry, through to very cold and wet that can vary from a light mist through to torrential rain (if it's snowing, it's the wrong time to be here), and any strength of wind you care to imagine. I have known riders who wouldn't go back, but the majority repeat, time and time again. A group of us have been going there once or twice a year for the last 13 years or so, we met using a commercial organisation whose owner stopped doing it a few years ago, but we carried on going.

 

[mcatrophy]

Six months on.

Not much has changed. My routine is still as if "she is away for a few days". Seems to work, the house remains in some sort of order, I eat, sleep (it can take a long while to get to sleep sometimes), keep clean and tidy (well, as tidy as I've ever been, which isn't very). I've engaged a gardener, there's no way I can look after her garden in an acceptable way.

I used to read a lot, I'd get through a novel in a couple of evenings. When she became ill I couldn't concentrate at all, I'd get halfway down a page and realise I couldn't remember anything I'd read, and have to start the page again. And get halfway down and realise ...

I'm now able to read articles in a newspaper, but don't yet feel like picking up a book. It'll come.

Motorcycling. When on the bike I can enjoy the ride, but it's not very easy to make myself go out. Probably not helped at this time of year; if the weather is sunny then it's also frosty, if it's not frosty then it's overcast or raining. Went to Scotland last month, been to brother-in-law's on it (about 250 miles round trip) where he did a bit of a family lunch (and gave my grandkids a ride on his veteran car - a 1903 Swift, for those interested).
(Click on image for larger view)

Wot, no airbags?

Also I use the bike for shopping in preference to the car (filtering is tricky in an Audi).

Couple of other "family" trips organised in the next few weeks, and in the process of organising a third "Santa" trip to brother's (first one reported here). Brother now lives some 190 miles away, 3 1/2 hours if no traffic. His wife and mine got on very well, they'd spend hours talking about I don't know what, went on outings together, forever scheming up excuses to get together. She was very badly hit, as upset as anyone.

These I will go to by bike unless the weather is totally impossible, hoping they will encourage my somewhat lacklustre enthusiasm. I'm booked for a week in Spain next May, we depart exactly 12 months on.

All in all, I don't recommend losing someone very close to you, it takes a lot of getting over. But I can say the scribblings in this thread have helped me, so thank you, Forum.



September 2006, at daughter's wedding

One of the happiest days of her life. Picture brings tears to my eyes.

Photoshopped to get rid of extraneous background from:

 

[Laser Dude]

This is my first post in this thread. I should have posted earlier for sure, but I never know what to say in times like these, and I'm not sure my fumbling for words is much comfort for such a terrible event.

I don't know you, so I could be missing the mark completely here. If so, then I apologize in advance. What keeps going through my head when I read your updates is that she never got to go along with you on your rides (I could be wrong). I see this as an opportunity to now have her go with you on the rides. Something to get excited about, "Where are we going today, Luv?", and then getting on the bike and going some place you know she'd love to see, knowing full well that she IS with you and she IS seeing where you have taken her that day. You could find some minor comfort in being able to talk with her while you ride, just as if she's sitting right behind you, because she is. Her spirit is alive and well. Take advantage of that.

Just what keeps popping into my head when I read your posts. I could be completely off the mark.

 

[hppants]

L/D - I think you are spot on the mark.

 

[mcatrophy]

This is my first post in this thread. I should have posted earlier for sure, but I never know what to say in times like these, and I'm not sure my fumbling for words is much comfort for such a terrible event.
I don't know you, so I could be missing the mark completely here. If so, then I apologize in advance. What keeps going through my head when I read your updates is that she never got to go along with you on your rides (I could be wrong). I see this as an opportunity to now have her go with you on the rides. Something to get excited about, "Where are we going today, Luv?", and then getting on the bike and going some place you know she'd love to see, knowing full well that she IS with you and she IS seeing where you have taken her that day. You could find some minor comfort in being able to talk with her while you ride, just as if she's sitting right behind you, because she is. Her spirit is alive and well. Take advantage of that.

Just what keeps popping into my head when I read your posts. I could be completely off the mark.

Fully understand the "don't know what to say", it's never easy.

You are right in that she has never come with me on the bike.

A little bit of background concerning that, which also shows how good she has been to me. As a teenager, I rode a bike as a matter of necessity, a Tiger Cub. Always hankered after a Bonneville, a Big Boy's bike. After uni, got a proper job, got a car, the motorcycle was sold. 35 non-motorcycling years later, in 2000, my mother passed away. In putting her house up for sale we went to a local estate agent (realtor), beside which was a Triumph dealer who had a new Bonneville in his window. This was one of those "little boy, nose pressed to the shop window, drooling" moments, wifey almost couldn't drag me away.

Well, we talked about getting a bike, it was obvious to her that I really wanted one, it was also obvious to her that I wanted her to ride with me, and probably wouldn't get one if she wasn't going to. So, she said she might come with me, so enabling me to justify having a bike. I now know she never had any intention of riding, but she also knew how much I wanted to, so that's what she said.

I am also sure I wouldn't have wanted her with me on every ride. She was fairly conservative in her ideas of "excitement", I'd have been riding like an old man instead of the teenager I often usually feel like when on the bike.

As for her riding with me now, I wish I could have that experience. Maybe the "closure" I got when she stopped breathing, her lying in our bed, with me sitting/lying alongside her, was too absolute. She has gone. I nearly put in other factors concerning an afterlife, but they would be religious views, so unacceptable - it's been very hard for me to steer clear of religion throughout this thread.

Her influence is still very strong on me. Partly because her ways of doing things worked, and partly because the mental question, "would she have approved?" always seems to be there. But note the tense of the question, it's not "would she approve?", a subtle but significant difference.

So, no, she doesn't ride with me now, nor do I expect her to. My loss.

 

[gregory]

Mca,

Like many, I find it hard to post here, fumbling for the "right" things to say. Whatever I type always seems inadequate to what you are going through. This thread always brings a wealth of emotions to my surface. I have, after a lengthy search, found a love like the one you share with your beautiful bride. When I read of your love for her, I am humbled to realize I have found a wealth that few will ever truly enjoy. I strive to be the best I can for her ever day. If I am lucky, I will get somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 years with her. I want you to know, that you and your bride are an inspiration for many here, myself included.

 

[user 6393]

mcatrophy, am thinking her comment was her way of saying, 'I want you to live your life and enjoy it, ESPECIALLY after I am gone'

She may not be able to physically go along with you, but whether you acknoweldge it or not, you take her everywhere you go. What is in your heart cannot be lost or left behind

 

[Laser Dude]

As for her riding with me now, I wish I could have that experience.

You can, my Friend, you can. I have lost family members with me all the time. Talk to them when I find spots I know they'd love. Give it a try. You might be surprised at how it turns out. I get a lot of peace and comfort knowing my lost loved ones are there in those special moments.

 

[CraigRegs]

With each story you tell of her, I know her a bit better. And in that way, she'll be out there riding with all of us. As barb said above, she's with you, too.

 

[El Toro]

Sometimes when one feels great loss it helps to lose oneself by assisting folks who are less fortunate.

I have many friends who are in their 60s, 70s and 80s who volunteer at the Hospital, or assist with programs like Hospice, AA, Meals on Wheels, Room at the Inn, etc. There must be similar needs in nearly every community.

Sometimes you can sooth your own sorrows by digging in and helping sooth someone elses.

If not now, maybe later.

 

[majicmaker]

Mc,

I stopped coming here a long time ago. It just stopped being fun. Recently, I decided to check in on a few sections for the latest news. I glanced through everything on the home page and saw your name and the title of your thread, so I opened it up and started reading. By the time I finished your first post, it felt like Id gotten hit by a ton of bricks. It was devastating. Like you, Im not a religious person by any stretch of the imagination, but at that moment, I started praying for your wife like Ive never prayed before. I kept reading every page in the thread and went through it all in one shot. I saw from your subsequent posts that it wasnt getting any better. I started crying like a baby. I had to stop a few times because I couldnt make out the words through the tears. I was Heartbroken at her passing. As the thread progressed I started to see small signs of acceptance. Its not all there yet, but its on its way. Time Does heal all wounds. Some take longer than others.

You and I bought our new 06AE/AS at about the same time. You mustve joined the Forum before I did. I joined when mine hit its first birthday. I latched on to you immediately because you had the AE/AS and you were posting all sorts of good info on it that I was soaking up like a sponge. I liked your personality. Over time, we bonded and in my mind, we became friends. Then we had a little stint at becoming partners in humor. Remember that guy that was asking questions about his AE and you chimed in trying to help and I chimed in telling the guy not to listen to you because of your medical condition that turned you into a vegetable and you had to ride the short bus to therapy so they could teach you how to read and write again? Then I said that your wife chimed in and told us all to be nice to you because the therapy was going well except for the incontinence problem? Thats went you chimed in with a picture of your bike with a baby porta potty strapped to the rear seat? It was your granddaughters potty. Perfect timing. I still laugh my ass off when I think of that one.

Then shortly after you retired, your wife and daughter told you that you needed a project so you went and remodeled your daughters kitchen. Master strategists those two. Lmao. I also remember that you went to the 10AS and something was happening to it and your wife said, You need to get a new one! So, you got the 14. It was right at that moment that I said to myself, Holy Cow! I Want a Wife like that one! Youve lived a wonderful life, My Friend. So did She. Thanks for filling us in on some details along the way. Thank you for telling us how you met. It was the perfect love story. Its great to have a group where you can unload and Scream!!! You can scream all you want here. Itll never be the same, but things will get better. Then, instead of sadness and tears when you think of her, itll be smiles from the time you had together and all those wonderful memories. You can PM me anytime youd like if you wanna talk. I PMd you just a few weeks ago and you helped me out with my clutch fluid issue and I had no idea you were going through this. Sorry, Ill chime in a little more often.

 

[mcatrophy]

Sometimes when one feels great loss it helps to lose oneself by assisting folks who are less fortunate....

Yes, I've thought about that. Wifey was always doing things for others, including regularly volunteering at our local children's hospital. She was much more "caring" than me. But I will eventually find something. I'd like to be a "



This thread seems to have brought many to tears, for which I can only apologise. When I started it, I was still hoping for a better outcome, the doctors had given us something like a 1% chance of her condition not being terminal. It's amazing how you hang on to that tiny improbability.

I well remember the potty episode. And the picture.



There wasn't anything wrong with my '10, it's just that there were rumours that the AS would become unavailable here (as the AE already was in the 'States), so I wanted to update while I could. And she let me ...

She didn't let me have anything I wanted. I'd always wanted a top-box to use instead of a tank bag, but she didn't like the look of the 'box on a bike. Now I have - guiltily - got one. (Which would probably have carried the potty in it, so that picture would have never happened.)

 

[hppants]

In this morning's paper, one obituary was for a lady that died at the age of 78. A whole paragraph was devoted to her devotion and unwavering love for her husband, to whom she was married for over 50 years, but who died just a couple of years ago. The obit documented that her husband died on May 19th (5/19 < depicted the American way). On the day she died, the lady took her last breath at 5:19 am.

(paraphrasing)

"...... 5:19 am, a sure sign that he came to take his girl home."

I got goose bumps, the hair raised on my arms, and I immediately thought of our UK friend.

I'm a man of science, but there are some things you just can't explain. Mac - I implore you, please at least consider the idea of her presence spiritually. Allow your mind to think about the possibility of that. Don't cheat yourself out of a wonderful experience.

If there is one undeniable thing I have learned from my return to motorcycling 8 years ago, it's this:

We all have a choice. We can either live in a box where it's safe and predictable and consistent. Or we can live outside of the box, where the possibilities are endless. All we have to do is choose.

 

[mcatrophy]

In this morning's paper, one obituary was for a lady that died at the age of 78. A whole paragraph was devoted to her devotion and unwavering love for her husband, to whom she was married for over 50 years, but who died just a couple of years ago. The obit documented that her husband died on May 19th (5/19 < depicted the American way). On the day she died, the lady took her last breath at 5:19 am.
(paraphrasing)

"...... 5:19 am, a sure sign that he came to take his girl home."

I got goose bumps, the hair raised on my arms, and I immediately thought of our UK friend.

I'm a man of science, but there are some things you just can't explain. Mac - I implore you, please at least consider the idea of her presence spiritually. Allow your mind to think about the possibility of that. Don't cheat yourself out of a wonderful experience.

If there is one undeniable thing I have learned from my return to motorcycling 8 years ago, it's this:

We all have a choice. We can either live in a box where it's safe and predictable and consistent. Or we can live outside of the box, where the possibilities are endless. All we have to do is choose.

I don't know why, but the time of wifey's last breath, 04:57, seems important to me. Not sure how that might relate to when she comes for me - I can't see me surviving another 40 years (April 2057 would make me getting on for 115). However, the date of her passing, May 20th, could be converted to a time.

Now I'm going to get paranoid twice every day, 5:20 in the morning, or more likely (since she could never get a handle on US date order) 8:05 in the evening.

 

[majicmaker]

So, That was the reason you upgraded to the 14. Smart move, I should’ve done that myself. :yes:

 

[mcatrophy]

Snowdrops.

One of her favourite flowers. Every year she looked forward to their arrival. She would get me to take her to view wooded areas where they were prolific (not my favourite trip out, but it's what she wanted).

Every year she would try to spread those in our garden, and hope they would come up. Some years they did reasonably, usually not too well. She always said that our very clay soil didn't suit them, that their bulbs tend to rot, but she would persevere.

Today I happened to look out into the sunshine (got an IT problem that takes precedence even over riding the bike), and saw a lot of white flowers.

Can anyone please explain why there are more snowdrops out in our garden than I've ever seen before, now that she's no longer here to see them?

It hurts.

A few examples (Click on image for larger view)


Even in a plant pot and escaping onto a path


One little bunch

 

[Uncle Hud]

mcatrophy posted, in part: Can anyone please explain why there are more snowdrops out in our garden than I've ever seen before, now that she's no longer here to see them?

No. But if I believed in supernatural phenomena, this might be Her way to say, "Hello!"

They're cute little things, aren't they?